Crush on a Married Man?
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He is devastatingly attractive, he is totally wonderful, you can't get him out of your mind, and ... he's already taken. What do you do?
Like many, many women, I have been in this situation more than once in my life. Whether you yourself are single, attached, married ... it can happen to you. This is my take on the classic crush on the married man.
What is a Crush?
The definition of "crush" (according to the Urban Dictionary) is "a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special".
It would be a sad life indeed if you never had encounters with people you consider to be very attractive and extremely special!
While it is a common first stage for a romantic relationship, it does not and often doesn't lead to one. Most people have had crushes on celebrities, especially when they are first learning about relationships. The feelings are very real and very strong, but when those feelings are not reciprocated by the other person, crushes eventually fade and pass.
Crushes are Normal
To have a crush on someone, no matter whether one or both of you are not available is absolutely normal.
Playful flirting and games are part of basic human interaction. Feeling that you are attractive, interesting and able to love feels wonderful. It causes a physical, chemical reaction in our brains. It makes us happy.
I don't believe it is possible to honestly deny a crush - when it happens, you just need to wait it out.
You and the Married Man
Problems only arise when you start to act upon your fantasies with someone who is already committed to someone else.
Let's be honest here ... the reason that you have read this far is probably because you are now at that stage, and looking for justification, redemption, encouragement ... ? You are probably now considering what it would be like to have a serious relationship with him. Am I right? I'm not judging you - I'm understanding you. I've been there.
Perhaps he is signalling back to you that he is interested too. Maybe
he is indicating that something more could happen between you. Perhaps he is attempting to instigate an affair with you. Perhaps
you just want to go for it, despite the consequences. Unfortunately, if you are receiving positive signals, odds are that the man is simply feeding his own ego with your attention. Even more unfortunately, if you take it further, it will almost always end badly - for you.
Do you really want to go there?
Even if you see it as just a simple, harmless affair, in most cases, women end up wanting a proper relationship in the long run. It is not harmless, because somewhere, someone is going to get hurt.
When I've had feelings for an unavailable man, I have always asked myself this (somewhat cliched) question ... "If he leaves his wife for me, how could I ever trust him?" ...
The simple answer is ... I couldn't.
His wife is a real person with hopes, fears, dreams and feelings. If you've never met her, it makes it very hard to believe that she actually exists, even though you know she does. It might seem less painful if you are able to forget that he goes home to her, but it actually helps to really think about her and how your actions might affect her. It kind of puts things in perspective, and it personally makes me feel a little angry with the man for putting both me and his wife in this situation, and that helps too.
Be warned ... if you go looking for advice, be prepared to be judged badly. You will be perceived as a threat to anyone who is in or who has had a relationship. Almost everyone will take the high moral ground, without considering any individual circumstances. No matter what, despite what you might be told by almost anyone with an opinion ... YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.
You can't help who you like.
However, this is the time when you can step up and be a good person.
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What To Do ... My Suggestions
It seems that the majority of people will advise you to walk away, cut contact and so on. If
possible, it's not such a bad idea if you can shut off like that, but unless you are a robot, it's not
always that easy. Often you will be in a situation where you can't
walk away, like in a work situation, and you will still see the man
every day.
Personally, I believe that sudden avoidance can be a big
mistake. I feel that cutting feelings like this creates obsession. You
will feel like the martyr, and it will strengthen your emotions. If he
has developed feelings for you, it will trigger his urge to chase you.
Instead, I feel that you need to let your crush evolve and dwindle in its own good time. It is not love - love is so much more. It is a crush, be it an advanced one, and admitting this is a huge step forward. Crushes do pass. Be friendly towards him, be controlled, keep your head, be honest with yourself and give yourself time to sort things out.
Here are some ideas to help ease your feelings while you wait :
- Try and focus your attentions elsewhere. You are probably looking at your most attractive at the moment, because of the euphoria your crush is causing you. Who else is around who IS available? If you are already in a relationship yourself, can you spice up things there?
- Mention his wife in general conversation. It will remind both you and him that she exists, and will indicate to him that you are being respectful of her and their relationship.
- Look for things about him that you dislike, and focus on them. if you love cats, and he says cruel things about cats, focus on that! If he has ugly hands, focus on them! If he does something stupid, focus on it!
- Avoid the temptation to answer personal emails, texts and phone calls from him. If you must answer, keep it brief and impersonal. It's hard, but try to discourage any sort of intimate or private behaviour.
- Love yourself. Sometimes we look to men to validate us, because we don't have enough self confidence. Do something wonderful for yourself ... take a holiday, make some part of yourself over, learn something new, experience something amazing ... You are a fabulous woman. Go out and live!
Who Knows?
Committed relationships can and do end.
Perhaps you are destined to have a relationship in the future with this man.
If you have been "the other woman", "the affair", "the homewrecker", the chances of a good relationship with him if he does ever become available are very, very slim.
However, if you have conducted yourself with dignity, self respect, decency and integrity, then if at some point this man's marriage fails for a reason other than your interference, you have built the foundations for a solid relationship with him.
Or, by then, you could be happily involved with someone else! There is ALWAYS hope!
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thanks for the comment.. it is very helpful especially for me..
i have a crush on a guy who is not married but he's living in with his gf and they have a cute baby girl. i think I like him and i feel nervous and tensed when he is near. i cannot even talk to him directly. and my actions are very obvious.yes i am avoiding him..
but i think this is not enough.. yet your hub is a great help.. thumbs up!
This is the best blog I have read about this very difficult and painful experience I am having with a married co-worker in my new position with a great company. I am going to print these wise words and refer to them often to help me through this uncomfortable experience. Thank you so much for you understanding and guidance.
I am realizing that I have started developing a strong attraction to on a co-worker who is a married man. He started working w/us a few months ago. He is ex-military - intense, smart, high-energy. I am in a relationship with a man who I've been involved with for 10 years. We have definitely have had our problems. This past spring, after I had hung on for so long - and with many tearful nights - I was about to give up on the relationship, on us, as he didn't want to get counseling w/me but insisted that we only use a relationship book to try to help ourselves. Right about the time I was giving up on us - finally - on the inside, he was diagnosed with cancer. I have stayed with him through all of this time - his treatments, surgery, and a major surgery very recently. I have been his caregiver and travelled to his out of town hospital. In some ways, this whole experience brought us closer - I felt he was actually listening to me. I started feeling closer to him. And I do love and care about him and don't want to stop supporting him through all of this and his recovery. We had not been physically intimate, and were not emotionally intimate, for about a year prior to his diagnosis. I think I am very lonely and hungry for closeness/intimacy on every level. I have controlled myself for a long time, and a former sweetheart has made it clear that he would like to be close to me again. I have not acted on this. It has been very hard for nearly 2 years to not have someone I can really be close and intimate with. I never thought things would be this way. The fellow at work has shared with me information about himself and his life. He is an amazing person. I am realizing I am allowing myself to fantasize about him because of the lack in other areas of my life. I know I will have to be very conscious of myself around him. We have had fun joking around, etc. Nothing overt has happened - just some banter, and a growing interest and attraction toward him on my part. I do think he enjoys the attention. I have been interested in learning about his life, which has involved travel, etc. He also is intelligent and well-educated. And married. I have simply found myself distracted like a schoolgirl with the feeling of having a crush/attraction. I will need to be aware of this, as I realize I have a need for some attention (emotional needs) and I enjoy interacting with him. I hope I can work thru this, these feelings. A lot of it is probably circumstantial.
Thank you. This does seem to help. I've had a long time crush on an old manager. He is married and has wonderful kids. I'm attracted to him inside and out and I feel it's the same for him by how he acts around me and what he says to me. I try to watch what I do because I don't wish to disrespect his family even though I feel I'm in love. Him and I have never spent time outside of work.. I wouldn't want to ask and put him in that situation, even though I feel I could handle being only friendly with him, as hard as it would be, I fear its not a smart thing to try and do, for him me or his family. I'm often more friends with males, and hardly let myself be emotionally attracted to anyone but I can't help it with him. I have no idea how things would turn out if I had the chance but I guess I will never know unless, like you said, somehow his marriage ends, but I wish it the best I just want him happy. He always makes me happy, makes me laugh, treats me better than most. Such a sweet man. It's hard to hold back. Especially when he will make a flirty comment. I wish I could spend more time with him. It makes it even harder that one of our coworkers recently passed away because that makes you want to spend be around the people you care about more because you never know when you may lose them. I have self control and so does he so nothing physical or anything has happened. I'm just looking for things online to possibly help ease the pain of not being able to persue something in my heart. Blah.
Hi, No Name. If my own comments about my attraction to a coworker helped you a little, I'm glad. You are not alone. And your own story helped me to know that I am not alone, and I thank you for sharing it. Self-control seems to be very important. You are a smart woman with a good head on your shoulders. I, too, have had to exercise self-control. Don't want to hurt others or be hurt myself. I still do fantasize and wonder what it would be like to be in a real relationship with him. But he is still married, even tho' I think there may be some trouble in paradise for him and his wife. However, the high road would be for me to let that work itself out and not interfere. I think part of the attraction is due to the fact that he's the oldest sibling in his family, and I am the youngest in mine. They have found that strong attractions can exist in romantic relationships based on that birth order combination. Also, have you done the Meyers Briggs temperament inventory? I am INFP and he is ESTJ. I was reading that this combo can lead to a very strong attraction. Sigh. I really respect and like this man. It's hard for me not to be affected by fliratious comments he makes sometimes. I also respect and like myself. And I can tell you have a lot of self-respect. I really wish you well, and would welcome any more comments from you. I'm glad to share with you as an online 'sister' of sorts! :-) It helps to talk about it and to hear someone else's perspective. Let's do our best to be self-respectful, wise, and strong.
Fellow Traveler: Thank you for reaponding to my comment. I checked back later just to see if anyone else had a story to tell and was pleasantly suprised to see you took the time to write back to me. I meant to write back earlier but I just found out that with the test, I am also an INFP. This obviously means that you and I not only have a lot in common but that we are strong enough to deal with our situations. And yes, your own story did help me, I appreciate everything you said in it and in your response. Hopefully you are still able to handle your heart with him.. I'm trying my best to do the same with my love. As long as he is in my life I know I can be happy, even if that means he is an email every now and again to say hello. He makes me that happy. I am no threat to his wife, because I am bot trying to interfere with any words or actions. So that I consider self control. My thoughts may be wandering off into another world with him but for that I am not ashamed, because there everything is safe and sound. I hope I'm not sounding crazy, I'm typing on my phone and this comment box made my letters huge so I can't see what I'm typing. Although I probably didn't sound crazy up untold that last line. Or that one. Crap I'm tired. Hope I made you laugh and feel lighter :)
I have had a crush on an incredibly handsome man, who has a beautiful wife and three children. This crush have lasted for about three years. I do not know if he feels the same for me, but I would really love to have some peace of mind. I am also a married women with a great husband who truly loves me. We have three children together as well. I need some help! I have prayed about this thing and I ask the Lord for strength and mercy on a daily basis, and it seems as though my feelings and wants are getting worse. I am now in the stage where I want to tell this man how I feel. I do not want to fall in love with him, I just want a friend; I guess. I do desire to be physically intimate with him, to be honest that is all I want! I think that by telling him how I feel would kind of ease the way I feel. Advice please, and thank you!
I am a married man of 7 years and have 2 great kids together. I am still very happy and wildly in love with my wife. I have recently become very found and attracted to a co-worker that is relatively new to the company. I think about her from the moment I wake up until, and only in my deepest part of my sleep does she disappear from my mind. I have begun to read everything I can get my hands on about these "crushes". Are they normal, right, human nature and so on. The last time I had these types of feelings towards someone was when I first met my wife. I find it very difficult right now and I would never want to ruin what I have in my life. It's very funny to have these curve balls thrown in my direction at this time and I find this article somewhat helpful. I feel like a complete idiot for having these feelings sometimes as my wife has always said that she knew I was a keeper or that "husband type" material that is difficult to find. I'm not sure I agree with her so much...
These feelings of a crush towards someone other than your mate / spouse are something that happens to everyone. What helps a person to over come these things is to re-kindle the sparks that brought you and your spouse together from the very begining. Especially if the relationship started of with the purpose of supporting one another whole-heartedly. If it was the intimant conversations along with the support that you shared with your partner, reactivate these things within yourselves. Being overtaken by the beauty of another woman or that handsome man really is just a distraction. In reality you have the same thing at home. For some who may have a wonderful spouse, what may draw their attention away towards a potential crush / fling is due to the lack of attention that is shared at home with the one in whom they are commited to. If any person male or female is having wholesome healthy communication at home with their mates, the attraction towards someone outside of their relationship will quickly come to nothing but just a thought. Yes you may say that he/she is an attractive person with a nice personality but that is as far as it will go because you know what you have at home waiting for you and that you cherish and support that with all within you. Any healthy relationship that you may have with your partner will give you the power and the ability to dismiss any thoughts of wanting to feed into the possibilities of entertaining any crush. When husband and wives keep the romance alive in the relationship they are really safeguarding their relationship from any distractions.
hi! thank you so much for the enlightenment!
really i am developing a strong feeling towards this person.
he is married and i am married too.
i don't know if he likes me too!
but we always bump each other
anywhere in the company even in the comfort room area.
he was the one who taught me everything about my work before
and i know he was so irritated to me mainly because of language barrier.
i even heard he doesnt like me at all.
but in fairness to him,so kind and always helping me out.
once i was all ok on my tasks already i never ask him anything again.
so happy for that at least i cant see him often.
but the more i am avoiding him,
the more the situation seems near for the both of us.
we constantly have eye contact.
i can feel he's trying to talk to me but maybe hes just controlling over it!
but then if we are in the group situation it seems
he asks so many things about me & interact each other more.
if only the two of us left in the room,
i can feel we want to chat each other more,
but where trying to control it and so quiet instead.
the weirdest thing is if im thinking of him,
that hopefully he will call me or we could see
each other on that certain area in the company,
honest to goodness, it really happens! it works!
is he my soulmate?
but i know we love our own partners in life.
Gosh, I think we should start our own support group here, lol! My situation is very similar to what others have written. My boss is very charming and charismatic, perhaps I should say to me, as he tends to get a plethora of complaints from others for being too taciturn, rude, or seeming to be a know it all. Compare that to when we work together; he's funny, protective, delightful, and we have far too much in common. We are the same age, with so many of the same geeky interests, right down to our taste in music, that I find myself asking "why in the world didn't we meet BEFORE he got married?" The thing that bothers me most about this is that I've noticed that he has brought his wife up in conversation more, but not in a good way. He's discussing her bad traits a lot, looking at me with this trapped expression. There's nothing I can do about it, she is what he chose to marry five years ago. I guess I'm writing because I want to be able to let go. Nothing has happened, and no matter how much I want something to happen, I know that morally it isn't anywhere close to being right. And I know that no matter how much we flirt with each other and straddle that "don't cross that line"-line, short of him leaving his wife and doing some soul-searching and deciding that we are the better match, short of all those things, we can never be. And I would say you have no idea how badly it hurts. But I know a lot of you do. And let me just say that I was one of those ultra-pious women who had her nose pointed firmly in the air when I heard about other women struggling with being the "other woman". I hereby admit my humility, for now I know exactly how it feels. And it isn't fun. Not at all.
Hi, Tempted - I am proud of you for knowing what to do in this situation. Yes, it does hurt a lot - I can relate. It is so complicated. I have strong feelings of admiration for the person I'm attracted to, yet he is married and I am in a long-term relationship. We never know what will happen in the future - if our respective relationships don't work out, perhaps years down the line, there's always a possibility two people can get together. But an involvement under the current circumstances would cause a lot of problems and pain. But I do understand the emotional pull and desire for closeness with someone, esp. if that has been lacking in the current relationship. Sigh. Yes, a support group would be nice! LOL I think this is a suppport, actually. Good to know we are not alone - thought I was an odd duck.
Best way to let a married person you like them is to not tell them i.e. coycrush.com
That way if they're not interested nothing changes in your relationship with them
I realize that some of my previous comments on this topic were so wise and mature. I have noticed lately that I look forward to going to work on days I know he'll be there. We have shared conversations about aspects and activities of our lives outside work and laughed and joked, and I am feeling an emotional attachment to this person. Interestingly, we are on different sides of the political spectrum, but since he is articulate and intelligent, some of those differences just seem to heighten (for me) the attraction. I do find myself thinking about him a lot and fantasizing. He is married and I want to be respectful of that fact and realistic. I don't want to have an affair or fling. I am starting to feel a bit foolish and feel that my emotions are exposed. Also feel a bit embarrassed - what if his wife knew how I feel? Any words of empathy, support, and encouragement would be appreciated.
Anonymous 14 months ago
I have recently come into a situation where I have a crush on a married man. His relationship was on the rocks when I first met him. His wife whom he adores left him for a very petty reason. He didn't think she was coming back to him and we actually had a date planned. Before we could carry on with that, she decided she wanted to try things out with him again. I told him that he should go for it despite my own feelings, and he really does love her. Truly his happiness with his committed relationship means more to me than anything he could possibly find with someone like me. Secretly I hope that his wife will leave him again and that he'll wake up and realize that there is so much more out there for him, but I feel terrible that I have these thoughts about corrupting the sanctity of his marriage. Anyways, I refuse to be the other woman, and I keep hope that I'll find my own mister right. In the meantime I remain friends with this man. Our chemistry is deep, but I can control myself. I think, and hope that the feeling will pass.